I think Napoleon Dynamite might have been talking about the Tom Cruise / Steven Spielberg remake of War of the Worlds. What were they thinking?Ok, let me back up. I never thought that I would ever even see this movie. But I just spent two hours watching it on TV. Why, you ask? Wonderful question.
So after our typically late dinner, Linus and I decided to watch a couple episodes of the Simpsons off of our latest addition to the collection (Season 10 courtesy of my parents -- thanks again!). There was nothing else on TV -- we only get so many channels with rabbit ears, even if we do get a few more with the DTV converter now. (Anyway, we weren't interested in hearing commentators instruct us on the sport of flag waving in Beijing.) We decided two episodes was enough, so afterward Linus turned off the DVD player. His mistake was not turning off the TV directly as well. Instead, he did what most of us do, he started flipping through our five channels to see if anything new was on.
Then it happened. Those awful thirty seconds when you say, "Hey, is that Tom Cruise? I wonder what movie this is?" By the minute it takes to figure out the movie, it's too late. Especially with a movie that is "pretty much the worst ever made." How can you stop watching something that is almost comical in its badness: bad script, bad actors (sorry Tom), complete predictability, . . . you name it. Why, why, why did we keep watching?
Fascination, I suppose. It was so easy to say: "Why is there suddenly some nice person in the middle of all this destruction inviting them into his basement? Must be a psychopath." Yep, a shovel-sharpening psychopath. One of my favorite moments was when Linus exclaimed: "I wish I could hit everyone in this movie upside the head. They're all so annoying!" Yep. Especially the little girl: "Why, dad? Why are we leaving? You can't tell me to leave. You can't yell at me. You have to tell me why. Now. No, I won't stop screaming. Someone has to put me in my happy place. Someone has to sing me my Beach Boys lullaby. It doesn't matter that I've just seen bodies floating down a river, I still don't understand why I have to do what you say and stop screaming. In fact, I think I'll just run outside now, right into the open arms of that alien tripod."
That's right, Tom, go ahead and sing the Beach Boys song while the psychopath keeps sharpening his shovel. Oh, and you know that whole thing about the huge alien tripods destroying everything in their path including taking out all electricity? That's right, go ahead and keep traveling to places that still have electricity so you can survive more and more attacks. That makes sense.
Of course, Tom and his family survive (perhaps through sheer idiocy?), and then Morgan Freeman's voice comes on as narrator for the last 30 seconds. I think that was an attempt to remind us that this was once a classic. Poor HG Wells has probably rolled right out of his coffin by now.
I think this even beats City of Angels as my "worst movie ever made". And yet we kept watching. I'm shaking my head right now, in shame. At least in City of Angels (which I saw with my mom, sister, a couple girl cousins, and aunties), we saw it in the theater and one of the only men in the theater broke the uncomfortable love scene with guffaws that then spread nervous laughter through the audience. That memory still restores my faith in the American movie-going public from time to time.
I'd like to say this fascination for bad movies, and bad books, is in fact a confidence booster. You know, next time I decide to write my own script or novel, I at least know what not to do. That must explain why I've read one too many MoRo's (Mormon Romance novels), right? I'll have to think about what the worst book I've ever read was.
So, what is your "worst movie ever made"?
9 comments:
I can't remember the name of the movie. But, the general plot was that New York froze because of global warming. I watched it soon after I came home from my mish. This I remember, because it was dubbed in Spanish, which made it much more interesting. Something about Spanish dubbing that makes horrible movies much more enjoyable. Is that the same with German?
The movie you described even more of a mess because of who directed it. Very shameful. One of my worst movies? "Cutthroat Island" pirate movie with Geena Davis. Why did I watch it? It was being shown on an airplane an I had insomnia. Awful embarrassment. Mutti
Sallysue, it's funny you mention bad movies being better dubbed in Spanish. It is in fact the same for German in my experience. The only problem is that occasionally when you watch a really great movie dubbed into German, they get the voices wrong -- like Darth Vader's voice higher-pitched than Luke's. Or the classic scene when Luke yells "Noooooooo!" as Obi Wan is killed: in German it was a very feeble, short "Nein."
Mutti, I wouldn't worry too much about plane or insomnia movies -- nothing to be ashamed of there! Better than listening to the beeping airplane noises, eh?
You could always do your own versions of Mystery Science Theater. Those are fun bad movies. We actually have DVDs of them that have the movie with or without commentary, in case you want to create your own commentary since the films can't be watched seriously without them.
We saw some lame (doesn't deserve a better adjective) movie on TV which started out mildly interesting with Quinten Tarantino as a psycho (when is he not) kidnapper, then he must have read the last half of the script and refused to take part (smart guy) because he died off and the film turned into vampire zombies and bats attacking the rest of the cast in some last-chance-cafe/casino in the middle of the desert with their only weapon and chance of survival being an almost-priest, a bunch of bottles of water, and some kind of homemade launcher. All had to hide in the back room where they kept the booze. Actually, maybe it was booze, not water, because there were explosions when the gun would go off. (Whatever. Priest and liquid and vampires. You get the idea.) The funniest parts were the edited-for-TV scenes during the "battles." And hey, teens (of course) in peril trying to horde off freak bats and vampire creatures. Ha! All trying to live through the night to drive away in their RV in the morning.
Autumnal Equinox, I think you might have me beat with that one...
Equinox, the movie you describe is the Robert Rodriguez Classic-From Dusk Till Dawn. (It has 2 sequels, too.) It is almost as good as Van Helsing (That's right, the title of which should have been Exploding Vampire Babies.) I hate to admit this, but the first movie is actually a lot of fun to watch. Especially when Jimmy Root's preacher character dies. But give me exploding vampire babies any day!
Markus
I'm worried that the new Brideshead is going to join the ranks of movies that should have never been made.
Avram and I tried to watch Masters of the Universe about HeMan last night. Avram said it's a great movie, but for me, I have to say it was one of the worst I've seen in a really long time. for one thing, how cna you watch a guy wearing only a cape and a speedo made out of fur? Apparently Mattell made an action figure for Conan, but when they saw the movie they didn't think it would be good for kids, and so made up He Man.
I can't really pin point why it was bad - besides the stiff acting, eighties hairstyles, and general stupidity. But unfortunately it wasn't bad enough to really make fun of.
Thankfully after about 20 minutes we turned it off and put on "To Sir With Love" with Sydney Portier instead.
Plan Nine from Outer Space to me is the top all time bad movie. Bela Lugosi was supposed to be in it, but they only had one scene with him (walking through a field) and some archive stuff, and so a chiropractor stood in instead for his part. It's about Aliens taking over the world by making Zombies to attack everyone.
Wikipedia even says, "Plan 9 from Outer Space is often regarded as a leading candidate for the title of "worst movie ever made"."
So you know it has to be so.
Plan 9 was so bad that ATT Bell labs named an operating system in honor of its badness. I'm still trying to get my hands on a copy of that movie...
-Linus
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