Disclaimer: this post contains high dramatic content. If you feel like throwing a pillow at the writer afterward, that's probably appropriate.After a rather anti-climactic defense, which by the way I passed, I feel rather like Eliza Doolittle after the ball. Well, that's the metaphor Linus supplied when I was trying to explain why I feel mopey. But I do feel mopey. I should feel relieved. I should feel like a burden has been lifted. I should feel some sense of accomplishment, perhaps I should even feel proud of myself. But I feel none of these things. Well, I am glad that the defense is over, but I feel confirmed in my suspicion that all I did was scratch the surface of a topic that I feel I am only now discovering. Remember our beloved Peanuts character Linus: "the burden of great potential"? Well, I suppose I'm feeling the burden of a great undiscovered, unknown wealth of issues and scholarship. There's something very safe about studying an unknown composer, which I did for my undergrad. There's something very scary and unsettling about studying very well-known ones with very well-known poets too. How can I feel like I've accomplished anything when there's so much I didn't get to write about, so many avenues I haven't explored? I know, I should be happy that I've come so far and only in my second year of grad school. I should be happy that I tried to take an angle no one else had taken before. I should be happy that I'm done and that I can now write to my German-speaking friends as Frau Magister. And yet, I'm not content. I suppose some would say that's the mark of a good scholar and student -- realizing that there's always more to do. But, in my mopey-ness today, it's rather distressing.
But the main point is that I passed the defense, that each member of my committee gave me congratulations on a job well-done. So, the above paragraph is not to say that I didn't do well. Just that I need a break from a field that at the moment brings me little satisfaction. And that's the news from Buckeye Country's local Drama Queen -- or would Eeyore be more appropriate, I'm not sure these days.
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Look at me, posting a comment on my own blog. Well, after a night's sleep and a conversation with one of my committee members (who told me that one of the major criticisms brought up by another member of the committee was not valid within the topic of my thesis), I'm not feeling so much like Eeyore today. In fact, I feel a lot more confident about the thesis itself -- I should have defended myself more in the defense is all. In fact, today I feel like it's work that I can definitely be proud of. Silly old Eeyore apologizes for last night's thistles and whole-heartedly accepts pillow-throwing.
Hey, good job kid! I'm proud of you. Go out there and shake the foundations of the ivory tower. Or at least figure out if they have a decent soda fountain in there . . .. (I know, you're going to say, "thanks for noticin'.")
Good job! We are proud of you! Love
Papa
It is amazing how restorative that a good night's sleep can be. Also the adrenalin that kept you going up to and through the defense was no longer needed. Enjoy the ride and note the characters you meet along the way. But ultimately this life is not about any of these things but what we become. Eat the thistles and move on to the field of clover but don't stay out in the pasture too long. Mutti
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